Well, I suppose my story is not so very different or special from what others may share, but the impact on me – and for me – and to me – at one point taxed satisfactory verbal description.
The enormity of the kindness that I received can now best be described as life-changing. You see, for most of my life, at least as far back as I can remember anyway, I have been The Giver, The Fixer, The Caretaker, believing I had this responsibility for everyone else, that I owed this somehow, and as a result of this misplaced guilt or self-imposed duty, would make the choices and changes for others, often at my own detriment. But, no matter and not to worry, God’s blessings always seem to come to me and I managed to survive and even thrive.
To live in such a way I know now is exhausting and unhealthy, believing as I did that I was not deserving of the same kindnesses – oh my no! Tom doesn’t need any help, I have a way that works for me.
Being diagnosed with liposarcoma, thought for years to be a benign lipoma resting along my cervical spine, nearly ruined my reputation! What?! Tom is SICK? How?! What will people think! No one can know.
All of a sudden, I couldn’t hardly function, let alone take care of myself or anyone else. Did I surrender, ask for help, reach out?
No. I didn’t keep it a secret, and wondered why at the time.
I soldiered on and suffered and refused assistance until one afternoon when an angel sternly yet kindly said to me: “Tom, we don’t know what to do for you, people want to help, we’re terrified for you, please don’t take their joy away by refusing!”
I was thunderstruck, crying even, at the sheer simple beauty of these words. I began to accept the random, deliberate, and caring little ways from others, and my load was lifted. People rushed to do what they could – rides to the hospital for radiation therapy, rides to and from work, coffee and water brought to me, food, whatever. I began to see the synergy and power within such kind acts, and saw the world very differently.
Yes, I was weaker, sick, needy, and to allow others to see this was itself akin to bringing down the walls of Troy. And then another miracle from my boss who finds it very difficult to speak of anything serious, intimate or painful; he said “Tom I need you to be here, and you need to be here, we all need you too much maybe, but I don’t want you coming in if you are sick or unwell because you are worried about the money.”
I had no leave left, and my paychecks were half of what they had been owing to my frequent absences. He published a regional and then a national leave donation request that brought over 240 hours to my “leave bank,” thereby allowing me to continue to work a reduced tour, or to stay out a day or two, but having an 80 hour paycheck every two weeks.
The rules prohibit me knowing who gave what, and that frustrated me for a time, but now I am calm in the knowledge that I deserved this extraordinary help, and that I am battling cancer in order to finally learn some basic Life Lessons.
Yes, it took this dramatic and frightening diagnosis to get me to understand that it is OK to need help, that it is OK to ask for help, and that it is OK to accept help, and maybe even downright rude to refuse it!
Healing I believe, began that afternoon when that angel scolded me into that first step toward accepting my own mortality and frailty.
One Kind Act from just one person makes a difference we can never fully appreciate or know. Oh sure, in the moment we do, but what we then do pays this One Kind Act forward forever!
T.F.
Philadelphia, Pa
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